exhausted. these vacations that aren't vacations. you know. so i remembered that canada is cold. never knew how cold alberta until today. and packing all those winter scarves and mitts i must have forgot how warm california is. like a dream i get off the final plane and the outdoor temperature is like the indoor temperature. lug my stuff home in a cardigan sans mittens and soon am sweating. it is magical. the air smells great. people in california act kind, they make conversation, they offer to carry your suitcases. when i arrived home there was a fire burning and two huskies to greet. unpacking i found a patch in my pocket, one i got in berlin that says "trust your desires." i've abided by that with california and with lately. how painful and exciting this life is.

Justin took me out for perhaps the best meal of my life last week. Out on the town four nights in a row and on the fifth flew through the night to Halifax. Arrived on "Christmas Eve," an event called prematurely because of Afghanistan. Christmas yesterday, Tracy left today, on a last minute flight to beat the snow. Put on a game face for lunch at the great aunt's. Tonight I am exhausted and bowled over by such a depth and range of emotions. Physically. My senses feel mixed with the falling snow.

twenty

fucking six.

telling myself i just ashed the last cigarette of my life.

please.


geburtstag: was gut: brunch- perhaps the best in the city yet. apple juice mimosas, soyrizo, grilled bananna bread. roommates who, by the way are great and who i'm going with to tahoe in january. a day in front of the fireplace with flight of the concords, tea, red nailpolish, telephone calls from my my mother. and friends. an evening, a good evening. great dinner at Beretta with janna. calamari risotto with squid ink. whoda thought? cocktails with grapefruit, tequila and elderflower certainly need to be repeated. went to revolution for concert and the bartender who is usually an asshole gave me free drinks because it was my bithday and i still know how. made some drunk friends. smoked my last cigarette of my life i hope. cuz i want a clean face in two thousand eighteen. going home in five days for early christmas. fuckk. that's about the extent of my comprehension right now. for better or worse, i continue. as i am and have been. a Demmons, "Demmons!" to the max.

Well, well. Providence means I am where I should be always. Tonight I drank a little whisky at a party, little truly, and I am not unruly or sad. Lately some real sad things happened and yet tonight I found myself dancing by myself tonight. A patient told me today it may snow on Monday in San Francisco for the first time since the 1980's. Maybe I'm beginning to believe in something. Tonight I found this postcard on my rug:

To myself, to you,

I've been dealing with a lot of death lately, more than I could have ever imagined. Life has been really good lately- very sweet, very difficult, very imporant. I've been living in increments lately- "If this were my last, if this were my only day, how would I?" I have been loving the people I love lately. I have been spending money I do not have on the best chocolate cake in town, I have been hugging puppies. I haven't been rash as one could be living this way. When the day concludes I do not regret it.

a drawing of a heart,

Jillian Marie

Fr. Ed was my date to the christmas party.

Prom photos on the physical therapy practice stairs.

 

Tracy sent me some pictures of home. I think this one of Gram's house in Maitland Bridge is quite spectacular.

 

 

 

the lake, the point

 

cottage in fall

Today

so i've been racking up pictures for a while, and i figure it is about time i set them loose to the web. enjoy!

i am coming home on december 19th. will be home until the 28th. would love to see you.

Zach attack!

Thanksgiving!

Zachary's 25th Birthday!

Mementos from Hillside Place

WL, I thought you might like to know the ways history is carried forth.

Backseat View