quarter of a century, fifth of my life.

That I am turning 25 on Friday has been figuring pretty greatly lately. I started to do Beyonce's master cleanse in spiritual preparation. But, instead of ten days, it only lasted until dinner time. For better or for worse, I remain me.

Though I didn't know it when I dragged myself out of bed this morning, today needed me. Today was a much better day.

When I awake my heart catches up and I want to retch. But, you know what? I get out of bed and go on anyway. Sometimes I wonder why I do that but I know why, and hey, why not?

This morning in the shower in the dark before the sunrise I opened this thing of pomegranate mango body wash and forgot everything. The first time I remember flying I bought a pack of gum that smelled just like that. Where was I trying to get to?

I have nothing else to look forward to. Everything in me needs something and badly, but what? There is a species of caterpillar that lays its eggs and then changes into a moth that has no digestive system, no way of taking in food, so that it starves to death in a few hours.

There’s this book about Jesus with a map on the cover with a key entitled An Explanation of Colors. I want to learn to write again. I need to. I can’t breathe.

i want to live some place where the plants survive the winter.

I'm feeling some positive pressure to get back into the blogging. and, since i'm supposed to be doing job applications right now, it seems like a good time to start.

This first one'll be for news. Lately:

1. Spent a good long while with Micah here visiting friends, fam, and tending to trees and flowers. Needless to say but sometimes good to, this was very nice. I like that one.
2. Spent a good long while after Micah left heckling with the antique furniture people and anyone else who would appease my needy customer ways, to pass the time beneath the facade of purchasing light fixtures and magazine racks.
3. Spent a good long time at the cottage, much of which was spent with the Farquhar matriarchs, a fiesty crew. To give you an idea, at one point, great aunt Joan, 90, pulled a dollar store pistole on me.
4. Bachelorette party and recovery.
5. A beautiful wedding (not my own).
5.1. Ate the best damn pizza I've ever eaten- yes- even better than New Haven style pizza at Salvatore's with Ungle G.
5.2 Talking to Micah on the telephone, hearing about how my life in New Haven and beyond goes on without me. Sad.
6. I live in Halifax now. This has been consuming much of my time. Finding burrows for all of mine and Darcy's stuff could really be a full time job.
Ugh. Procrastination over. J-o-b.

the honeymoon is over

one should not be in one's parents house for more than three weeks at a time. maybe its that i'm just plain tired, i've felt hollowed out for days, and i miss micah, but despite all my resolutions to patience, my witts just ended. threw the keys on the ground, stormed off, and cried some tears. as if i were six years old. i don't know whether that should disturb or be reassuring.

reading mark and cate's blog is making me homesick. though i guess i am home. you know what i mean. i'm too home. its like i have two homes. two but really none till soon. soon i have to start again. though again is never the same.

so lately i've been doing all that clean up stuff. all that shit i usually hate. cept this time. this time it had gotten so bad it felt good to throw all my shit on the floor and pick it up again. cept by the time i've done it i've mussed it up again. i'm going to learn to get organized if its the last thing i do, though probably it will be. i'm not going to be able to get a job as a mediocrily paid glorified secretary unless i lie about organizing tasks.

so cleaning has proven to be a goldmine of laughs. one of particular enjoyment has been christmas lists. i found this one, in big, capital letters, three inches wide and taped together five pages long.

1. DOMINO RALLY

2. BIBLE COVER (Already at 8 I was good at sucking up)

3. POOCH PATROL

4. HEAD SETS

5. CREATIV AMAGENER (creative spelling)

6. HODINI MAGIC SET

7. SCAMPS

8. GO GO MY WALKING PUP

9. STUDS

10. YOYO CAT

11. T.V.

12. NINTENDO

13. SIHN LANGWAG BOOK

14. BEATRIX POTER EVARYTHING (Harry Potter?)

15. HARD COVER NASINAL GEOGRAFY BOOKS

16. MICRO LIGHT

17. LITTLE MERMAID SOUND TREK

18. PANTS (My favorite)

19. SKI HAT

20. SKIES

21. TURTLE NECK

22. RINGS

23. STUFFED ANIMALS

24. PLASTIC ANIMAL FIGIRES

25. M (I guess at this point I gave up, realizing I was probably only going to get pants)

So I haven’t written much lately because I’ve been busy and because I haven’t had much to say. Busy working catering, at the bar, as a personal assistant, and busy doing fun things with Micah like going to Boston to visit Wendy, Chase, and the Redsox, going to Sixflags, and watching movies with my favorite ones. But good things can make my head think it wants to explode while at the same time be unsure because it doesn’t know what it wants because its too full of good things. I haven't much to say because I’ve been a bit like that lobster just enjoying his warm bath not knowing when he’s well beyond the boiling point; I’ve had so much good and just so much that instead of being full sometimes I just feel empty. So, soon, not too early or late I am taking a sabbatical; I am coming home in about eleven days to nearly be exact. In this past week or so, this fact has come to rest on my radar; for two nights I have been dreaming Halifax and two weeks I’ve become aware of things that smell like home. And though as with most things opinion related, I am torn, on this side, and I suspect, on the other side, too, I am looking forward to weeding, pulling out the roots, giving myself a little less sunlight, holing myself up for the winter and seeing if I can make it.

at div school the other night when no one was around the moon lit the chairs up bright. they looked so peaceful. micah and i threw the thing apart and pushed our own chairs down. made me a little closer to believing all has passed. some days my heart feels empty.

say hello

to a fucking master, a thing cut loose, a woman tired.

monday i graduated.

tuesday was summer.

wednesday, today i took to work.

i can't help but feeling i'm going back and forth through a birth canal.

so, as the internet might have informed some of you already, i am staying in connecticut for an extra month. something about a man and money. these being seperate things though, of course. but i really am coming home after that. so keep your head up for me.

finishing school today in a few hours. no comment about that. things aren't looking so hot on the tumor front lately. no comment about that either.

i don't know what i think or feel about much. but i did cry the other night, the first time in a really long time.

stolen.

shit's so crazy

i am so almost done with this master's degree. i leave what has become my life here in less than three weeks. this must be like the best month evar because it has to be but is also loaded with like fifteen factors-people set to break my heart. whatever even wonderful thing that happens next month i'm going to go into shock. i'll likely need some alone time. but i'm also going to feel very lonely.

found out i didn't get the kings job yesterday. before the end of my very last class at yale divinity school. leaving my very neat, fortunate narrative of hitherto cut in two. i went to that class strangely elated. after it my good boy micah picked up the pieces. took my stunned self for icecream. i rambled his ear off about all things unrelated while he picked the splinters out of my fingers. he told me and i told him, perhaps it was for the better. and i admitted that something in me needs to be scared by the openness. much of me only wanted a job like that so i could feel very secure about myself. so that i could be a snob. because it is scary to go home. fearing that i'll work a job i could have gotten before. that this were all for nothing. but, i don't believe it all for nothing. three years ago, before i set out to this place, i told myself that if i walked away wearing a yale ring on my hand, yale as a badge on my chest that i would have failed. if i needed that i wouldn't have learned anything at all. to return empty. with nothing. to allow yale to become a secret not attached to my name but only lessons learned within me.to settle back in as if i'd never left. to wipe out that secret piece of pride. to use what i'd learned to do the same things better. to fix mistakes that i've made in the same place with the same people by doing it right this time. to learn to be present. to build up instead of breaking down. to really learn to love unanalytically. though i was and am so tired of being poor, i felt strangely peaceful. repetition, return. there's something very important about that ritual.

then i got drunk. yesterday was Spring fling. to give some symetry/i guess trinity to my three years life here, i got drunk. because i was upset and angry still, got drunk. Zach and i went to T.I. which was good, but by the time I was done texting to get people down there, it was done. Short show. Then, to Rudy's, and to the GPSar, where I got a very timely call from Darcy which made me feel better, and hung out with someone who before that I'd only talked to in church. i'm sure my robot voice made an interesting impression.

micah had reminded me beer before liquor...but i've tended to think my own body exempt from such general rules. not true. right now i've got to write to my parents and tell them i didn't get the job, but i just haven't been able to keep anything down.

Div School Prom.