found out i didn't get the kings job yesterday. before the end of my very last class at yale divinity school. leaving my very neat, fortunate narrative of hitherto cut in two. i went to that class strangely elated. after it my good boy micah picked up the pieces. took my stunned self for icecream. i rambled his ear off about all things unrelated while he picked the splinters out of my fingers. he told me and i told him, perhaps it was for the better. and i admitted that something in me needs to be scared by the openness. much of me only wanted a job like that so i could feel very secure about myself. so that i could be a snob. because it is scary to go home. fearing that i'll work a job i could have gotten before. that this were all for nothing. but, i don't believe it all for nothing. three years ago, before i set out to this place, i told myself that if i walked away wearing a yale ring on my hand, yale as a badge on my chest that i would have failed. if i needed that i wouldn't have learned anything at all. to return empty. with nothing. to allow yale to become a secret not attached to my name but only lessons learned within me.to settle back in as if i'd never left. to wipe out that secret piece of pride. to use what i'd learned to do the same things better. to fix mistakes that i've made in the same place with the same people by doing it right this time. to learn to be present. to build up instead of breaking down. to really learn to love unanalytically. though i was and am so tired of being poor, i felt strangely peaceful. repetition, return. there's something very important about that ritual.

then i got drunk. yesterday was Spring fling. to give some symetry/i guess trinity to my three years life here, i got drunk. because i was upset and angry still, got drunk. Zach and i went to T.I. which was good, but by the time I was done texting to get people down there, it was done. Short show. Then, to Rudy's, and to the GPSar, where I got a very timely call from Darcy which made me feel better, and hung out with someone who before that I'd only talked to in church. i'm sure my robot voice made an interesting impression.

micah had reminded me beer before liquor...but i've tended to think my own body exempt from such general rules. not true. right now i've got to write to my parents and tell them i didn't get the job, but i just haven't been able to keep anything down.